| blurry |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|08:36 am] |
Hi, I'm hungover.
Last night was a great release.
But, as is starting to happen more and more when I party a little too much, I can't remember everything from the night before.
Anyone care to help me fill in the blanks? |
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| Kill me now |
[Jul. 1st, 2004|04:01 pm] |
I'm what I despise the most about others.
A complete emotional wreck of person.
Why the fuck do I care so much? Why does it hurt me so much when something so inconsequential happens? My fucking baggage is back, because the first thing I think is 'it must be my fault', or 'it must be me'.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I'm getting drunk tonight. |
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| It's been a long week |
[Jul. 1st, 2004|09:11 am] |
And it's not even Friday yet.
So I sit, here, at work...contemplating what to do today. I have some calls to make, I have some bills to process, and yet- I don't want to do anything.
Sirens going off? Yeah, I need a new job. My problem though, is that I hate looking for jobs. I hate having to polish my resume, to dress up for interviews, and to deal with all that crap. I don't think of myself as qualified for anything. I have a barely earned degree in a useless field, and have no real marketable skills other than the ability to surf the internet and type 50 WPM. Sad, since I graduated high school with honors and all...but I really let myself slide in college. I got too wrapped up in band stuff (marching band) and didn't take full advantage of my potential and the resources available to me.
My days are filled with finding the next good show coming to town, chain emailing my friends to find out what we are doing tonight, and IM'ing with friends from around the country.
Like tonight-
The Nadas are in town. And I'm covering it for Pomeroy. So that's what I'm thinking of. Who's coming out? Do I have enough fliers? What time are doors again? And, for the love of god, what is the drink special?
Oh yeah, have I paid my rent yet?
There are days that I wish I lived in a bigger city- NY or LA, or Philly. But then I realize, fuck- if I lived in one of those cities, I'd never get shit done in my life because I'd be out partying every damn night. What little is left of my credit (ha!) would be shot to craps in 48 hours. So, I guess, with resignation, that is one good thing about KC. There isn't much of a nightlife unless you're catching a show. Unless, of course, you're a tanorexic socialite. And I'm not.
Now, I still do have plans to return to school and pursue something that I am passionate about. I am looking at culinary schools. But, like all plans I come up with, don't hold your breath to see if this one comes to fruition.
Bleh...I need injected with a motivation serum. |
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| Randomness |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|03:41 pm] |
Ok, I've decided that one of my number one pet peeves (I have a lot of #1's) is people who sign off of AIM without saying bye.
I don't have my talking board today- they're not online. Usually they get all my random thoughts, and inner monologue. So today, LJ reader, you are the lucky winner.
Last night was interesting. I participated in a advisory panel thing for this radio station here. I thought we'd get more of a chance to offer suggestions on programs, music, promotions. Instead, we just basically gave our perception of the station and how it compares to other area stations. Then we took a tour of the studios. Oooh. (Please note sarcasm).
On the bright side, there were lots of cute boys working in the studios last night. And the one DJ that I actually have met before was working. This time he wasn't incredibly drunk. Good idea. He's a cutie, and pretty nice. It might be fun to hang out with him.
I think I might enter this contest they are running too. A chance to win a trip to Boston for Chris Isaak. I like him. Plus, it would be a great chance to get out of here for just a brief moment. Not to mention, I know exactly who I'd bring with me if I get 2 tickets. It's what, 3 hours from NY to Boston? |
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| I give up |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|10:49 am] |
On everything.
I'm trying to plan too much, and think too much.
I give up.
What comes will come, and what doesn't come won't come.
I hate that I let myself get so wrapped up in thinking too much into things.
I hate that my best laid plans never pan out. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2004|12:44 pm] |
Last week was eventful.
Wednsday I went to Lawrence for a show...Marc B, Tanner, Pete Schmidt, and Dave Barnes.
It was an absolute blast.
Thursday, I went to Joe Firstman. I love that kid.
Friday, I was going to go to Blue October...then I burnt my toe. So I stayed in.
I feel so out of the loop with everyone. How are things? I feel like I haven't talked to people in so long. |
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| GRRRR |
[May. 10th, 2004|12:11 pm] |
I wish I knew if there was an edit feature.
Oh well.
So yeah, people...if you are reading this. I would really like to know. It feels weird that I have my deepest feelings floating out in cyberspace for anyone to read, and I don't know if they are.
So, please...totally feel free to leave a comment. Be anonymous if you want. Just acknowledge that someone is reading, so I am not all paranoid. |
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| Boy crazy much? |
[May. 10th, 2004|12:00 pm] |
While I'm exhausted at the fact that I've been working 70 hour weeks for, oh, ever, and I see a certain boy at the mall all the time, I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever he comes by.
I've moved past security boy. He was too young, and too clueless. Plus he's hooking up with a too cute for her own good girl. So that's fine.
But this other one. There's just something about him. Every once in awhile he does something that just floors me. And I can't tell if it's flirting, or he's just in a good mood, or what. He's being way too subtle for me (and if it IS flirting, he needs to step it up).
I am excited that I may be quitting that job though. Yes it will mean I don't see the boys as often, but I won't be leaving the mall totally. There's a new shop opening up, Le Gourmet Chef. It's a kitchen supplies/fine foods store. I think I'm going to apply there. It's totally up my alley, and I think I could really enjoy the employee discount. |
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| A new week... |
[May. 10th, 2004|09:13 am] |
It's Monday, and dreary outside. Pretty appropriate, one would think.
I'm actually not too depressed about it though.
I gave myself a reading last night for the first time in forever, and was satisfied with the result of the spread. Yes, people...Dawn's into Tarot. I'm not hardcore or anything, mostly because I don't have the patience to enter into the studies of it all, but I do occasionally do readings for myself and friends.
Basically, my reading indicated that I would reach a goal that I was after should I decide to take the next step. It was sort of ambiguous, but it didn't rule out anything. The card that caught me off guard was the one where it said I would accomplish my goal, rest, and then seek a new goal. Considering what I was focused on during the read, I can only interpret it as this- I will reach a relationship with someone, and then seek a new one. Or I will reach a point with this person, and then seek a new level with them. I don't know. And yes, Tarot is not supposed to be a definitive source, but just a guide to the paths you take and are on. The main conclusion though, is that its up to me to take the steps needed to accomplish my goal.
Herein lies the problem though. It seems that when I take the initiative, things cool off between this person and I. Is it that they want the control of dictating everything? Is it that I scare them off with my self-assurance and zeal? Are they interpreting it as me bugging them? I swear I'm not. I just like to talk and be around them. I haven't felt this way toward someone in so long, that I'm a little rusty on boundaries and everything.
So, even though the cards say I need to take the steps needed to reach my goal (hmmm, on second thought, this could mean that I need to take a less aggressive path), I am going to back off and let them take the next step. It will drive me nuts not to take the initiative. But I need to let them initiate. If only to prove me right or wrong about things.
Don't you just love how vague I'm being? |
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| Determined |
[May. 6th, 2004|12:56 pm] |
Mark this day down folks.
I have decided to start a self improvement plan titled 'Dawn's Summer of Self Improvement'.
Step 1- Next week on payday, buy a bike.
Every day that I don't work at both jobs, I will ride my bike into the office. And maybe, just maybe, on Sundays when I'm at the mall 11-6 I'll bike into work that day too.
Step 2- Over the next couple of weeks, clean my apartment.
It's a mess. I keep it fairly picked up, but it's long overdue for real cleaning. I'm talking hardcore cleaning agents and all. Heck, I might even actually pick up all the clothes off the floor of my bedroom and put them where they belong.
Step 3- Buy a computer.
How's this self improvement, you might ask? Easy. Yes, I'll be playing online at home. BUT I will be playing online at home instead of online at work. And, I'm really kinda over the whole message board thing anyway (you laugh, but there are some boards I barely visit anymore; and when I do it's just to comment on a couple of threads or see if anything of interest is happening). So mostly the computer will be so that I can converse with friends that I don't get to talk to as much as I want. Also, when my sister moves in with me this summer, it will provide me with a distraction so I don't kill her.
Step 4- Decorate and restructure my bedroom.
I've lived in this apartment going on 3 years now, and my bedroom is simply a storage room. I don't sleep in my bed unless I have to. I usually crash on the couch in the living room. As of this moment, my bedroom depresses me. So I'm going to channel the interior designer inside of me and make this room something that brightens my spirits but still allows me a haven to relax in. I'm thinking of doing something fun with my bed. It's boring. Mattress and box springs on a cheap frame. Maybe I'll dump the frame and go all floor level with the bed with lots of pillows to cushion me from the wall.
Step 5- Restock my kitchen.
I've developed a nasty habit of eating out for 3 meals a day. Part of it is my laziness to do dishes that has forced me to just pitch everything. Gross, I know. But I reached a point a few months ago that I gave up on keeping the kitchen stocked. So now, with a clean kitchen (see step 2), I restock my kitchen with dishes and food, and actually cook a meal on occasion.
You're probably asking what brought about this sense of change in me? I'm not a terribly unhappy person with things right now. In fact, things are actually going pretty damn well for me. That's why. For the first time in a long time, I'm in a good place with me. But there's still progress to be made. I've always preached that I'm happy with my body. Truthfully, yes. I don't hate my body. And I've also preached that you should be you for you, not for someone else. Well, guess what, I want to change for someone. Have they asked me to? Absolutely not. That's why I want to change. I'm doing it for them without feeling that I have to. I want to.
I finally want to. That's the key. For whatever reason I'm choosing now to be the one that wants to change (as opposed to someone else wanting me to), I'm behind the decision.
So there...now entering Dawn's Summer of Self Improvement. |
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| Head in the clouds... |
[May. 4th, 2004|04:39 pm] |
So I had an absolute blast in Stillwater this past weekend hanging out with Keith, Nick, Taylor, Brandon, and all the numerous friends of each that I don't remember their names.
Nick and Keith are some of the nicest people...ever. If any of you ever get the chance to meet them, don't pass it up.
And Taylor? Watch out for this kid. He's going to be big (well, so is Nick...don't want to forget about him).
I can't believe I drank as much as I did that night...and that I managed to get up and drive back home to get to work on 4 hours sleep. Ahhh..it reminds me of my college days.
I can't wait to do it again. |
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| Evolution? Or just luck. |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
So for, like, probably the first time EVER I'm interested in someone that seems to genuinely be a nice person.
Usually I end up falling for people that while treat me ok (ie, they don't beat me), aren't necessarily at their core nice.
Maybe nice isn't the right word. Genuine, perhaps? Sweet, definitely.
I don't know if I know how to handle this. Have I evolved finally out of falling for the wrong person? Have I finally reached a point where I don't automatically set myself up for failure? Am I nice enough to be able to exist in any potential relationship with someone that is so great? Will my scars rear their ugly head and ruin any chance of having a meaningful relationship? Or hell, did I just get lucky for once? |
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| Exhausted, yet optimistic |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|02:44 pm] |
See? Told you I wouldn't be able to keep this up very well.
So, life's been crazy. Work is kicking my ass...I am averaging 70 hour work weeks. Joy.
At least the money's good.
I had to skip Nickel Creek Wednsday night...only night off, opted to relax. And I think I'm skipping Damien Rice, and Pat McGee next week. Again, only night off, and I need to conserve my money for Stillwater.
Stillwater...ahh, this should be a fun time. I'm so excited to hear Nick again, I was impressed when he opened for Tanner.
My horoscope hints that the coming weeks (which includes next weekend :) ) are going to be fun filled and good. I can't wait. |
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| yeah...oops |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|04:55 pm] |
just had to add
may 15- blue october |
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| Things are good |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|04:46 pm] |
Ok, so I missed a few days.
Sue me ;)
If you haven't already...head over to http://www.foolingapril.com and check out the sneak peek tracks from their upcoming EP. You won't regret it.
My spring/summer concert schedule is getting craaaaazy.
Here's what it looks like, so far.
May-
1- Stillwater for Nick Smith's CD Release Party
12- Dave Barnes/Pete Schmidt/Tanner Walle/Marc Broussard (nice, right!?)
25- Teitur/Tanner Walle
June-
18-20 Wakarusa Festival?? http://www.wakarusafestival.com
25- Country Stampede ?? (Don't laugh...)
July-
27 Mayer
Aug-
19 DMB??
Not to mention, I need to fit in a nice trip east sometime in June or July.
Gahhh... |
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| Now hiring... |
[Apr. 6th, 2004|11:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | By Myself- Linkin Park | ] |
Full time boy-toy.
I'm tired of the games. I just want someone I know I can count on to want to play with me and be available to play with me.
I'm tired of boys that are seemingly one thing and then drop a bombshell.
I'm tired of boys that flirt with you one day, and then flirt with a couple of barely 18 Hollister-like chicks the next.
Fuck boys....maybe I'll just become a lesbian. |
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| A fun week awaits |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|08:56 am] |
So this week looks to be an exciting one for me.
Once I get past Wednsday.
Thursday I will be venturing into Oklahoma for the Ben Folds/G Love show. Having never seen either live, but loving them for (wow) 10 years now I cannot wait.
In other news, I love how about a year ago I offer up something for some people I hang out with and they don't take me up on it. But now, even though I don't associate myself with them anymore, they ask if I can do it again.
Oh, before I forget, Jer- hope the show went well, and I hope your job situation is getting better. |
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| Basking in the afterglow |
[Apr. 2nd, 2004|08:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Get your mind out of the gutter!
Yesterday was April Fools Day, and a mighty fine day it was.
Richard Young is a mad genius. The punk he pulled off on MSM was classic and needs to be archived for the world to see. Could it have gone on a little longer? Perhaps...but it was great to watch the drama unfold and be able to laugh at all the gullible kids. I feel bad for them sometimes, not everyone is as hardened and jaded as some of us. It was still funny though.
Today I'll sit back and watch as everyone pats RY on the back for a job well done and laugh at the joke that everythings become. |
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| Apparently this is the rage |
[Apr. 1st, 2004|11:31 am] |
So it was inevitable it seems...I have joined in and started my own live journal.
I can't promise that I'll keep this at all maintained...all previous attempts at real journals have failed miserably. But we'll see.
So in recent weeks, I've decided that I don't want to be around drama...and yet it follows me. Am I a magnet? Serious...what's up. I've confided in trusted friends and it's helped. Yet it's not quite enough. I don't want to bother them with every little thing that needs said. Hence my decision to do this. I can log every little thought here...it gets it out of my system, and doesn't overwhelm my friends.
FYI: If you are one of these friends, my journal WON'T replace our talks. Thrilled, aren't ya? :)
I thought the title of my journal was appropriate...this should prove to be a more cost effective means of dealing with my demons and expressing myself. Since I'm poor, that's a good thing :) |
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